25th February 2019

creative writing: now and then

I turn up at the race.Walking through all the red blow up doors and the white tents that tower over. The sky dark with the sun just peeking over the mountain range. There are lots of officials finishing setting up the course for the race and at the register tent handing out the competitors numbers to stick on their bike and and tri suit. Looking around I see all the caring parents helping and watching them set up for the race.Slowly getting on my bike I head into the transition area where my eyes scout out all the competitors that seem as a threat.After carefully laying out my two pairs of shoes I gently scatter talcum powder in the back of them so it helps to slide my feet to slip right in easy and quickly.My amigos and I walk over to the start of the swim to warm up.My body feeling moist and lubricated from the baby oil on my ankles and in my wetsuit. As my body goes Into the H2O all the lubricant on my ankles goes into the lake because I dolphin dive aggressively to deeper water. The sensations of the cold refreshing aqua on my face and the water slowly being circulated around my wetsuit gives me the chills.My age group gets called up to the start line, I’m eyeing up all the buoys that my age category has to swim around feeling nervous. The beating sensation in my chest made me have funny feeling in my tummy and the buzzer goes.

As I run through the red blow up finish, the sun is shining down on the course and I have the feeling of sweat dripping down my neck and arms. My legs had nearly given up. One of the officials put a shiny medal over my neck when I crossed the line for my participation.A volunteer walked over from the white tents with refreshments and handed them to the athletes running through the finish line.The parents and friends of the athletes are cheering and supporting all the competitors as they run through the red blow up finish.Walking over to my transition I see that my wetsuit is covered in grass, my shoes wet and full of baby powder and my bag drenched from the rain.I wrap it all in my towel and shove it in my bag.My mates and I walk over to the big white tent where the prize giving is held.All the age groups are getting called up to stand on stage, the top 3 in each age gets called up to receive a medal or a prize.Everyone claps as all the athletes collect their prize and stand tall on the podium while proud parents take photos.I lay out on the grass after the prize giving was all wrapped up and stretched my muscles that were tight and sore and listened to music to zone myself out. Everybody starts to leave so I get on my bike and head home after a good day racing.

Join the conversation! 2 Comments

  1. Hi Zach. Here is a record of what we discussed today in class:

    1) Please read through your writing out loud to find where additional full-stop breaks, comma pauses and apostrophes are needed.

    2) Adjusting your sentence starters.
    Consider how “I” may be replaced with other punctuation/word forms. Do you need to use “I” all of the time? Could adjust the verb? e.g. “I look” to “Looking” OR totally reconstruct the sentence to include details which say the same thing but don’t repeat the “I”?

    3) Watch unnecessary repetition of vocabulary.
    Consider how you could keep the meaning of your ideas but cleverly vary the word choice to keep your reader interested.

    4) Watch one line descriptions.
    When you introduce a unique, interesting image, see if you can expand on this initial image with another sentence or two. (Think about the colour, texture, size, shape, movement, effect of what you see/what is happening).

    Reply
  2. Hi Zach. As we discussed in class today, please continue to add capital letters (or take them out) where needed; also ensure that you are using full-stops, rather than comma pauses if the sentence needs to end.

    Another area that would be useful to fix in these final two lessons (because of your absence last week), is to remove unnecessary repetition of vocabulary. There are other words for what you want to say and your reader will enjoy the variety in your language selection.

    Lastly, if you have time, extend your description beyond one sentence. Are there feelings, appearances, movements that you could describe in more detail?
    Mrs Waide

    Reply

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